The Cocoon: March 2025
How I won (and lost) the 3rd grade spelling bee
By third grade I’d distinguished myself as a certain kind of student. I was what all my teachers seemed to want me to be: quiet, compliant, and well-behaved. I did as I was told and then some. I was terrified of disappointing them. I’d do anything to stay in their good graces.
Every year in elementary school we had a spelling bee. Each class in the school held an individual competition, and then the class winners competed at the grade level, and then I don’t remember what happened after that except that the fifth grade winner got to represent the school at the citywide bee. Eventually that was me: I lost onstage with sluice, a word I’d never seen or heard before, so how was I supposed to know it’s spelled like juice not goose?
It’s likely I won the first and second grade competitions years before that, but I don’t remember actually doing so. What I do remember is the third grade spelling bee. I was standing with my classmates on the day of our class competition, backs against the wall around the perimeter of Mrs. Marquez’s room. We’d already memorized the fifty states in alphabetical order that year and probably a lot of other useless stuff. One by one Mrs. Marquez gave us a word, and if we misspelled it we slunk back to our desks to be spectators while the bee continued. As the ranks of remaining spellers were whittled down, we stood closer together until there were just a few of us left against the chalkboard.
It was my turn again, and Mrs. Marquez gave me a word I’d heard a million times: teammate. I knew what it meant of course, but I wasn’t a very good one. I abhorred sports, preferring ballet and piano to anything where I might get dirty or kicked. In group projects I tended to quietly take over, doing others’ work for them rather than actually working with anyone else. I never wanted to pair up with my siblings when we played board games at home, preferring to go it alone even if I lost.
It should’ve been an easy word, but I got all in my heard about it. I knew it was a compound word: team plus mate, two m’s right next to each other. But some words doubled or dropped a letter when you combined them with other letters. Race becomes racing. Run becomes running. What kind of word was teammate? I scanned my brain for a rule that could help. Nothing.
I gulped. I’d have to guess. When in doubt, make it more complicated.
“T-E-A-M-A-T-E,” I spelled.
The room tittered, and I knew I was wrong.
This was unprecedented. I looked at Mrs. Marquez. What now? My face burned as I began preparing myself for the shameful walk back to my desk.
“Try again,” Mrs. Marquez said.
This was also unprecedented. There were no second chances at the spelling bee. Each word was sudden death. What was she doing?
“That’s not fair,” someone muttered. Mrs. Marquez ignored them, not looking away from my scarlet face. I did as I was told.
“T-E-A-M-M-A-T-E,” I spelled this time.
“Very good,” Mrs. Marquez said, and moved on to the next student.
I wasn’t exactly sure what I’d done wrong, but I knew it wasn’t right. Either I’d cheated, or I’d accepted Mrs. Marquez cheating, or I’d done what I was told but not what I knew was right.
And what would have been right? How should I have responded to this adult who told me to try again? I’d never openly disobeyed a teacher in my life and was not going to start with Mrs. Marquez.
I won the class bee that year, but it was nothing to be proud of. I learned how to spell teammate, but I also learned what it meant to have an asterisk next to your name.
And I learned that it was not okay to make mistakes, one of several formative experiences that contributed to decades of fear-driven perfectionism at school (and later at work).
I don’t know where Mrs. Marquez is now, but I hope she knows what it took me a long time to truly learn and really believe: it’s okay to make mistakes. Actually, it’s great to make mistakes. Especially at school. Especially in third grade. Mistakes are how we learn.
Plus, everyone makes mistakes.
Even teachers.
Your turn:
If you have 5 minutes: Share a comment about something that resonates with you. First draft thoughts are welcome!
If you have 10 minutes: Take a gander at my other Substack RSBB. It’s another place where I share vulnerable moments and mistakes I’ve made but in a more personal context.
If you have 30 minutes: Schedule time on my calendar to chat. What are you working on right now? It’s a free half-hour of thought partnership!
Getting Schooled
What I’ve been seeing and thinking about in my recent work with educator
Field Tripping
What I’ve been doing and experiencing on my weekly field trips (2 hours usually/mostly alone with my lifelong learner hat on)
I saw more of The Clock at the Museum of Modern Art.
I went to a restorative yoga event with live music and digital art projections led by my friend and teacher Severine Sekula.
I saw I’m Still Here at O Cinema.
Want to try a field trip of your own but not sure how to get started? Schedule time on my calendar and let’s brainstorm together.
Reading Recs
What I’ve been reading and ruminating about
House of Sticks: A Memoir by Ly Tran (teacher of the memoir-writing class I’m currently taking!)
Red Comet: The Short Life and Blazing Art of Sylvia Plath by Heather Clark
James by Percival Everett
Braiding Sweetgrass by Robin Wall Kimmerer
Plus:
I’m a huge fan of All of the Above, the ed news and analysis podcast (and YouTube channel) co-hosted by my friend, colleague, and former coach Jeffrey Garrett. Highly recommend!
I gave my niece Butt or Face for her 10th birthday. Every page features a close-up of an animal for readers to guess: Is this a butt or a face? When you turn the page you find out the answer along with lots of animal facts. She started reading it aloud to the whole family with 100% audience participation. Maybe she’ll be a teacher someday.
Let’s partner!
I help educators break through their blocks by finding the intersection of effectiveness and sustainability.
I believe educators need to stay connected to their passion and purpose to provide all students with joyful, enchanting, empowering learning experiences–without burning out.
I have more than 2 decades of experience as an educator with deep expertise in leadership and instructional coaching across grade bands and content areas, learner-centered professional development design and facilitation, and teacher team development.
Interested in learning more?
One more thing about cocoons
A few weeks ago I ran my 3rd half marathon. It was an amazing way to celebrate turning 47. I’ve never been much of an athlete (see above re “teammate” as a foreign concept), but I love the feeling of hitting a wall and then knocking it down. I tackle challenges to prove to myself that I can when I want to so I know I can when I have to.
Thank you for reading this issue of The Cocoon. I’ll see you on the first Tuesday of next month.
And if you’re interested in the pleasures, perils, and politics of mid-40s, post-divorce, perimenopausal, red-state dating, please visit my other Substack RSBB. (Those are initials because the full name is a little spicy.) It makes a great birthday or just-because gift for yourself or someone else!
As a school spelling bee winner - the word I got out on when representing my school was CALORIC. They pronounced it like chloric. Thought I had memorized so many words, I didn’t know to ask for the origin!
Still scarred!